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Disclaimer: This is my story and real life experience. Do not replicate, re-distribute, re-post, or use without my permission. Happy to provide certain permissions if contacted. Please e-mail emjayanm@gmail.com or DM me on Instagram @emjayanm
Let's dive in....
In 2020, I moved back to the USA from Japan after almost 10 years of living and working there. I moved there when I was 26 and moved back to the US when I was almost 36. I moved back at the height of COVID and at the peak of the "WTF No toilet paper?" era. Oh yeah -- I didn't mention that I moved to a small town in Florida that had a population of less than 3,000 people and one grocery store.
I had to shift my life from being a well known educator within multiple military installations and communities (in multiple Far East countries), to learning how to live in North America again at one of the most difficult times in American world history and absolutely within my lifetime. I went from working full-time, to no career. I went from being a working mom to stay at home mom and due to COVID, now all of a sudden, I'm a homeschooling mom?
"Thank goodness for my background in education!!!", but I wasn't alone. So many parents experienced that too and I absolutely honor and acknowledge that. It was quite the challenging time for all school aged children and parents.
This is my story of how my spiritual awakening started and how I went from "Samurai Sarah" in Japan with the fire attitude and iron fist to modern day hippie. This is my path of being uprooted from a place that grew to be home for me, back to the United States (in the most chaotic era of my personal life).
That year we were on lockdown, we couldn't go anywhere, same as the rest of the world (and not that there were many places to go in our small town), but we couldn't travel. I was accustomed to travelling often. So now I'm back in the states with nowhere to go. People are driving on the "wrong side of the road", there's no chopsticks anywhere and why was it so difficult for people to be polite and why is there so much garbage everywhere?
To some this may sound like someone who's issues are so miniscule, but let me challenge you for a bit. If you lived somewhere for almost a decade, and return to a place you hadn't seen in years, how would you feel being without the "things" that made you feel home? It was those small nuances that I held on to that confirmed I was indeed home -- and I just didn't have them anymore. I didn't have my chosen family from Japan. I didn't have my blood relatives that I also choose as family (they were all in Texas) and I didn't know a single soul. "Things" were all I had to grasp on to.
Driving on the left side of the road, eating most of meals with chopsticks, making sure the streets around me were clean -- that was home for me.
Who was I? What did I stand for? What did I want out of life?
What was happening?!?!?!
I went into complete malfunction, meltdown and crisis mode. I went from someone who had all of the answers, all of the resources, all of the knowledge, to -- lost. I lost my identity, my whole being and I was having a really hard time finding it again.
I lost multiple family members in 2020 because of COVID including both of my grandparents, who played a very active role in raising me. My grandma passed away and just weeks later, my grandpa followed her.
My most selfish thought at the time : "Just as I return home after not being able to see my grandparents for so many years, they leave?". I was so angry. I hated the world. I hated the US, I hated COVID. I hated ME. This thought haunted me.
I went into a deep depression. I found solace in playing video games. It numbed me and took me to another world that I would have much rather lived in at the time. My day-to-day consisted of disinfecting everything obsessively, making sure my kids completed their online schoolwork, exercise until my body felt like breaking so that I could feel SOMETHING and playing video games. Everyday -- for months!
My grandparents were gone, my heart was cold, my soul was screaming. I couldn't keep myself in this numbing depression anymore. My ego finally caved, and I decided to see a therapist. I didn't know she was a holistic healer. She was just the first person that showed on my search engine results and she had very soft eyes. She gave me the good vibes and God knows I needed that.
In one of my sessions after I expressed how I hated myself for missing out on so many years (due to living overseas) she told me : "Sarah, I want you to go sit outside and talk to your grandparents. I want you to let them know how you feel and how much you love them. Go sit on the grass, in your yard and just have a conversation with them as if they were right in front of you. And before you do that, find yourself a rose quartz, crystal quartz and a black rock."
Behold my first rocks (2020), Tibetan bowl and abalone shell courtesy of my mama:
THIS IS WHERE MY LIFE COMPLETELY CHANGES AND IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.
I had to drive an hour to a crystal shop. "What the hell is a crystal shop?" were my thoughts. I knew nothing of divination tools, spirituality and higher consciousness. Well -- we all know about these things, but I'd been so conditioned to a military mentality that my identity was shot. For clarification, I was NOT in the military but I worked as a civilian for the military and lived on a military base. Readiness and preparedness were the mindset 24/7 for both military and civilians. It was a required mindset to have when living overseas (even in such a peaceful country).
I arrive back home after purchasing these cool rocks and I sit with these witchy tools for some time, wondering, "What are they supposed to do?". My over analytical self needed the answer to every question I had. I was data driven and there wasn't enough data to conclude these rocks would heal me. It was way too much to handle so I put them away.
I go outside on this day and I sit in the middle of my yard. There is no wind, no noise of cars. It's silent. The birds are singing and the sun is shining. For a moment, I felt a smile start to crack on my face. You know just that little side smirk you get when you're being stubborn about something, and your ego is like "Don't do it! Your pride!!!!", but I gave in. A smirk! It happened. I felt my heartbeat. Awareness in my breathing started and I realized it was time to talk to my grandparents.
HERE'S THE MAGICK....
I sat in this space for a minute or two then thought of what I wanted to tell my grandparents. It started with an apology. The level of guilt I felt for missing out on many years of not being able to see them weighed so heavy on me.
"I'm so sorry grandma and Papo. I'm so so sorry. I miss you, I love you and I am hurting for you. I don't know if you can hear me, but my heart hurts and I need SOMETHING to help me. I can't fix this myself. I feel weak and lost and empty."
I broke. My body melted all over the damn grass. I felt something, I felt pain, sorrow, loss, guilt, helplessness. In this moment of completely short circuiting in my yard, a cardinal came and perched in the grass not 4 feet away from me. In the spiritual world, a cardinal represents a past loved one coming to visit you. But for me it means something so much more.
Backstory: When I was a kid, my grandparents had a family of cardinal birds that lived in a tree in their backyard. They would take all the grandkids outside and bird watch. Cardinal birds were a staple symbol in my grandparent's household.
Where I lived, I'd yet to see a cardinal bird until this day. The cardinal stared at me. I immediately froze as I stared back. We were literally having a staring contest. My tears had melted my skin away but I was hanging in there. Within seconds, those tall trees started to sway, rain started coming down and my grandparents appeared to me. I couldn't see them, but 100000% I could feel their energy with me. They told me this : "We are here with you, guiding you, protecting you and providing you with infinite love. Cleanse yourself, you have gifts to bring to this world and we will guide you through it.". At this same moment, the bird flew away to find shelter I presume, the sun came out from behind a passing cloud while the rain was still pouring, and this intense, infinite feeling energy surged through my entire being and beyond my physical body.
This energy (I later learned) is what infinite, unconditional, life force, love and enlightenment feel like. My heart that had been shattered was pieced back together and not only mended but renewed (within seconds). I felt like a child again and highly loved and protected by a force that I didn't even know existed. I didn't want it to end. I wanted it to last forever. I'd never felt such love like that in my human life.
I absorbed an immense amount of love and light source.
It almost physically knocked me back. To give a depiction, this is an image I created to help me give you the most accurate picture of what I saw and felt in this moment:
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| LIFE FORCE & INFINITE LOVE |
Rays of colors and the feeling of weightlessness consumed my whole energetic field. I don't even think I was breathing oxygen -- oxygen is for humans. I wasn't in my human body. It was my higher self taking over. Making shit happen for me. It was also in this moment, that I saw where my life was going, I learned that I am a natural healer. I learned that my purpose is to build and join communities, and to connect with others through healing modalities. I learned that my soul was experiencing growth. I learned that those "rocks" and other tools I was trying to analyze were modalities that would help in healing, strengthening and empowering for myself and others.
Spiritually, when we experience the downfall and crumbling of a foundation we once knew, this is the universe creating something completely brand new and more aligned for you. Meanwhile, your angels and spirit team (to include family members that have passed on) are all standing by to help you in that growth.
This is what I was experiencing. The return to the US from Japan and the reverse culture shock, identity confusion, being completely ripped from everything I knew -- it was my "Tower Moment". (I will write another post on tower moments in the future). As I came out of this experience, it was like I had downloaded a library of the rest of my earthly life and received a lifetime reservoir of readily available universal downloads and energy.
From that moment on, I've remained connected to my entire team of guides and Angels. My grandparents are so active in my path. They never left. In fact, they only became more present in my life.
You see, we all travel this human journey. We ARE of higher consciousness. We ARE of universal matter and energetic beings that have the life force of the creator within us. It is our responsibility to overcome our shadows (from past lives and the current), view our path from a higher state of mind and understand that every experience we have in life, we've chosen it. We decided everything about our life before it has happened with the purpose of creating growth and expansion for our soul.
As I'm typing this my third-eye is buzzing and highly activated -- this is confirmation.
In my journey since, I early retired from the federal government and vowed to create and be a part of communities focused on healing and empowerment for anyone who is on a similar journey or wants to understand who they are on a soul level.
My shameless plug:
As a former U.S. federal government employee turned entrepreneur, businesswoman, and Pacific Northwest holistic healing and witchcraft practitioner, I bring my Master’s in Education along with certifications in astro-sound healing, astrology chart reading, and chakra healing to the community.
I learned a lot about energy exchange, life path alignment, and debunking the human ego.
When it comes to community, I've learned on this journey that connections with people are EVERYTHING. I decided to scooch on into a couple of communities.
Joining Inner Bloom Academy was an easy decision—it’s a space of unmatched energy, genuine support, and deep empowerment for women. I’m passionate about uplifting women, helping them reconnect with their true selves, and encouraging them to step confidently into their own power. Watching women blossom within this community is nothing short of magical—it’s an honor and blessing to be a part of their journey!
I'm also extremely passionate about business. I work to coach students in creating their own side income that could potentially be a full-time income through Digital Wealth Academy .
